I don’t know anyone who had a good 2022
I don’t know anyone who had a good 2022 (leave a comment if yours was amazing - because honestly… we NEED to know if someone did), and it’s got me believing there was a systemic joylessness draining the wonder and magic from us. I guess it’s not surprising, given the degrading health of our planet, our social norms that breed burn-out, and our political and economic will that steals those two things.
I have been the most stable and mentally well I have ever been since self-diagnosing as neurodivergent. I am the most equipped I have ever been. Yet, despite some things being easier - like dealing with autistic shut-downs that render me non-verbal - this year has been one of the toughest in a while.
For me, 2022 was a year of turbulence. A chaotic maelstrom has followed me through the year. I’ve learned about and grieved for the many ways neurodivergence has impacted me since childhood. I’ve tried to unmask the neurotypical personas that drain me and felt the consequences of social rejection, burn-out, and self-doubt. I’ve fought for a timely medical diagnosis. All while still struggling daily with the traits I experience. It has taken real work to figure out what I was pursuing because I was told it should bring me joy versus what actually gives me joy.
It’s been tiring to unfurl, to decompress from existing in tightly bound self-hatred, to rediscover myself from new angles, to extend compassion, inspect every aspect of my life, to uncover which parts of me are autistic, which parts are ADHD, and which parts are just me. I’ve spent much of the year completely, utterly drained.
I want 2023 to be my year of rest. I want to spend the year recharging, resting more than I ever have. I want to pursue my joy in ways I couldn’t previously comprehend. I want to be ruthless with my boundaries to protect my energy.
And most of all.
I want medical diagnosis.
After lots of phone calls, emails, tears, and meltdowns, I am finally, finally, finally on waiting lists for both ADHD and Autism assessments through right to choose - a scheme that allows you to find a service with a shorter wait time and request a direct referral to it. I’m hopeful (but not quite confident) that I’ll receive diagnoses by spring - it's at this point I hope the storm will subside, if not entirely, then perhaps just a little.
I don’t expect the point from medical diagnosis to be smooth sailing, but I’m hopeful that the surety of it, the absoluteness, and the authority of it will alleviate the self-doubt I’ve felt, validate my struggles, and open new routes to support.
Thank you for being here, as we all grow into joy.